Hi!
My name's Antonia, this is my first post to what I hope to become a 'wellness' blog. I've been inspired by recent changes in my life to share my experience and document positive experiences and changes in the future, all in one place! I'd like to cover Food, Travel and general Health and Wellbeing.
So a bit of a background about me, I want to be able to be as open as possible with this first post to increase chances of helping others if they are suffering from something similar.
For as long as I can remember, I have been in a battle with depression, at least. What I was unaware of was that there was an underlying, growing anxiety throughout my teens, that took a sudden plummet to a greater depth just before I turned twenty one - right after moving back home from University.
To say the least, it completely consumed me alive, at the time I had no idea what it was or what was happening to my body. I felt like I had had the life sucked out of me most days, I was constantly tired, I hated being at home as I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents and I'd just finished a huge chapter in my life, with no idea what was going to happen next, I was in limbo.
Shortly after moving home I went on a two week girls holiday. It was typically one of those disastrous holidays where you fall out and, well literally, almost three years later that friendship is completely void. I don't regret it, I made an amazing family of friends and made some amazing memories, however, during this holiday I completely lost control of my body. Over the two week period I vomited six times, I could barely drink alcohol, and the smells, tastes and even the thought of food took over my body or made me sick. In the end I had to eat tuna toasties daily with the odd different thing or snacks, as that was all I could manage. For the most part of the first week, I felt completely isolated. Despite making friends, these were people I didn't really know and I couldn't land anything on them. I didn't even know what was happening myself. I felt physically trapped in my own body and consistently, severely nauseated.
I only felt more comfortable in the hotel room, as if it were a 'safe place'. But I knew I couldn't stay there. For the most part I just threw on a brave face and got on with it, it was almost better that I didn't know what was going on because in a way I could brush it off. Towards the end of the first week the group of friends got bigger and I carried on getting through each day. After we left the airport, I knew that was a part of my life that was over. The friendship and the university lifestyle, something had shifted in me.
When I was home, I slowly returned to my familiar self again, only when it came to going out or anticipating going out, this huge feeling inside my stomach was stopping me, becoming me, and not allowing me to live. I went out a few times to my usual place at the time, thinking familiarity would make everything ok, how wrong I was. Unable to consume much more than a sip of a drink, I felt violently anxious to the point I had to go to the toilets as I thought I was going to vomit……nothing. I remember thinking "What on earth is wrong with me?" I hadn't been able to eat my meal before hand and I couldn't drink even water at this point because of how my stomach felt. So going out became less of a priority on my agenda as this was only getting worse.
A month or so later, after analysing my symptoms, I made a doctors appointment to express that I felt I was suffering from Depression and Anxiety. I went alone, and don't get me wrong, it was HARD. Hard to admit, hard to talk about. But it was out there. I finally had some form of answer to what had been happening to me. I was offered anti-depressants but being the stubborn girl I am, I wanted to fight this on my own, without the help of medication. I carried on this way for eighteen months. I couldn't go on a holiday due to anxiety, weekends away with my ex boyfriend were really hard for me to get through. Things had improved slightly and I was a lot further out of the hole with the anxiety (in some ways) due to the support from my ex, but the depression spiralled until finally it became unbearable. I hated my job, which had become another factor making things worse for me in that period of time, and ultimately I broke down to a manager in my workplace. I had gone back to the doctors and started anti-depressants not long before this and I was signed off work for two weeks from the stress of everything.
If you've never suffered from depression and happen to be reading this, it is the utmost crippling, never ending battle with a black hole that can literally prevent you from living and almost turn you into, well, you might as well be a corpse, only existing rather than living. I literally used to frequently get what I call 'Mind Paralysis.' It is one of the most difficult things to deal with and I commend anyone who deals with depression or anxiety on a daily basis. It makes every little thing harder, things that most regular people would do without a second thought. Its like having a voice in your head or analysing every single thing that is said. You sink into a different world and most of the time, its hard to get out. Those days where you might feel positive feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders, but you know it is temporary.
Check out this link to get a better understanding: 21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations of Depression
So during my time off, I wanted to make changes to my life to help myself. My first priority was clearing out my room. I have a box bedroom and no matter how hard I tried or how many times I tidied it, it was constantly messy to the extent the floor wasn't even visible! Don't get me wrong, I hated living like that, but no matter what I did, it was always the same by the next day. I wanted tranquility in my living space, tidy room tidy mind right? This was the place I spent the majority of my time as it became a 'safe place'. I got it there, but as ever it never lasted long. I tried applying for jobs but always got so far and didn't get them. With this I took a lot of time out to contemplate, my best friend helped me with all of this which I am eternally grateful for as I really could not have done it without a little nudge.
I started going to a Zumba class with another friend, sometimes I found it hard to gain the motivation, and sometimes I found it hard to have my head all there during it, but it certainly started making a difference to my health and fitness. I now continue to go with my Mum as often as I can. It is completely amazing what even just two hours a week can do for your mind and body. I'm just gonna add that this isn't just light hearted Zumba where you do a bit of dancing, its combined with cardio, and toning for your stomach and legs/bum so it really gives you a good work out.
When I was back at work it wasn't all that different, despite the circumstances, eventually it started to get better and I just fully threw myself into my work and my customers. Instead of wishing the days by and being bored I tried to spend as much time as I could with each customer and really talk to them and help them in every way possible. I liked the person I was with them because I seemed happy and helpful, I'd put in every effort for them to meet beyond their needs. So the longer I was with them, the longer I was 'happy.'
I think this had a subconscious affect on me because as much as I 'hated it' or longed for change (as i'd been in this job almost six years by this point), things did gradually change, and I felt more confident and whole. In the summer i'd actually been craving to leave the country, thinking that I finally had the courage to do it again, that I could handle the anxiety and control it. But due to lack of funds between me and friends, this didn't happen. I had become single again as, on my part, my relationship had become too toxic for my mind and would control it to a point where I just couldn't handle it. This was a change that turned out to be for the better, I had nothing to worry about for once. I could focus on me.
As it got to Christmas, as usual I was written off, retail is the devil. I knew I couldn't hack another Christmas. I had been plodding along, sort of getting a lot better but sort of stuck in that same old rut you find yourself in. This is where the changes started happening. I'd slowly been continuously working towards these targets of a better body, a clear room I was able to upkeep, eating healthy meals and really looking after myself. They were there, but they weren't ever really happening. I was doing something about it but not getting anywhere. So when it got to new year, I set myself some resolutions.
What did I want? Why did I want it? These couldn't just be any old resolutions these had to be changes, I needed change to happen in my life.
So I started working out a little in addition to my Zumba classes. Just bits of toning work with my stomach and my glutes. Every day. It was becoming a reason to get out of bed. Even if it wasn't much, it was something to make more of a difference. In addition to this, I started putting more variation into my food, making more interesting things and eating a lot healthier. I would take salads to work or food I had prepared. Not only did this help what I was choosing to eat, it saved me money and stopped me going out to buy food. Also, it began to make me a little more organised. Taking food to work meant preparing it the night before, I was making time for this, and actually began leaving for work slightly earlier so I could have time to sit down and prepare for the day ahead before I started. This was happening quite naturally and I was amazed at how I was progressing. Just making small changes was really making differences to my life that I could see. It does make you think "Why didn't I do this sooner?" Its so much more relaxing to be a little early rather than rushing around last minute and trying to make a dinner whilst eating your breakfast! In addition to this, around February, I halved the dosage of my medication, to see if it was doable…..done.
I hadn't completely changed for the better, but these were the first steps, its still going to be a while before I get to where I want to be but I'm happy to work on that.
So, I got the opportunity to go abroad in March just gone and have a weeks holiday. Now given how i'd been, this was something I needed to do, for me. I couldn't let this issue have a hold over me for much longer, given as I'd like to see many places in the world. To make matters more complicated I wasn't able to get the time off of work. I had to do something about it. My best friend and I, who had similar views on our need for change, made a pact. We decided that we were going to hand our notice in four weeks from that day. So in eight weeks, we were out of there, job or no job. I could not have done this alone, so again, thanks. For the first week, I applied to a bunch of jobs, I was in a positive mind set, and I kept going through to the second week, then I started to put it to the back of my mind. Of the bunch I applied to, one got back to me. One.
I had one chance to change my life or become unemployed. After getting through an online test I was given a telephone interview, I prepared myself as much as I could. I did okay, not as good as I could have, but I got through, I got a chance for a face to face interview and I knew I had to put all my effort into it. Luckily I was on holidays off work, perfect timing. I prepped, had my interview, and regardless of the outcome, the next day was the day I was handing my notice in.
So the day came, and after six and a half years I handed my notice in! What a feeling to know that change is around the corner. By lunch time of the same day, I had a call back from my interview and was offered the job! I was nervous but relief flooded threw me, I was ecstatic. Now, for someone who doesn't usually like change, I've definitely put myself out there! These life changes were so overdue.
I've been really proud of how far I've come this year alone and glad I had the courage to do these things.
Over the last eighteen months i've been having CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). The aim is to change your way of thinking into a more compassionate role within yourself. I have been through three therapists, each very different and each working on different things. My last therapist was the right therapist for me. We worked on the right things and i've learnt a lot from him. If anyone is considering CBT it really is worth it even if you try one session. I was able to see things in such a different light and I cannot thank him enough for what he has done for me. I have come to an end with therapy now, moving into my next chapter in a different mindset.
My last day came, and it was a bit emotional as i've made some amazing friends throughout my time there and seen a ridiculous amount of people come and go. It was the end of an era. But it felt good. I had just over three weeks between jobs, including my week away. Perfect.
So my holiday was amazing. It was such a good experience for me and i've definitely turned a new leaf with my anxiety. I had my ups and downs and my main issue still revolved around my stomach, how it feels and worrying about eating food/feeling full/and the anxiety that comes of those feelings. But other than that, I was fine with being away for a week, I was fine being abroad, there was plenty of food that I was able to eat (being fussy and anxious makes it hard!), and the place that I stayed was quiet, away from tourists and really peaceful which always helps me. For the first time in my life I felt like i'd really accomplished something. I was looked after and always made to feel comfortable. What a big step!
Which brings me to now, I've continued to be annoyed with my room, even though its been better, but i've fully got to a point where i've completed it. Everything has found a place (pretty much) and i'm managing to keep on top of it and enjoy relaxing in the space. A few clear outs later and a lot of hard work, (honestly, I can see my wardrobe doors for not having things hung on them.)
I feel like i'm prepared for my new chapter to begin on Tuesday. Its a new start, with new challenges and new people and I'm going to continue to become this better version of myself. Its scary but its also so exciting!
If you've read this far then thank you so much for taking the time to read, I really wanted to get it all down before I begin my blog in the positive light. Its a nice reminder to have to realise how far I've come with things.
I'm sorry for the super long post! I promise they won't all be like this.
Until next time,
Antonia
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